Story Time with Bradley: Sweden Part 2

The Road So Far…

So I made it into Malmö? Cool. I have the address of my AirBnb? Awesome! Do I have an internet connection to use my phone’s GPS? Nope. Was I confident enough with my Swedish to feel comfortable talking to strangers? I helvete heller (Oh, hell no)!

This was my first time in a foreign country that English wasn’t their primary language. Not only that, barely anyone back home knew that I was going. I’m telling you right now; don’t be like me! I set myself up for the perfect Taken situation and my dad is NOT Liam Neeson, so I would have been left to fend for myself.

So I’m just kicking back at the subway station, using their free Wi-Fi to at least get a rough estimate of where I’m supposed to go with my GPS. When I say that GPS was just as confused as I was, that doesn’t even start to describe how bad it was.

What I and my GPS, that I named Siro at the time because I had the male voice enabled, later found out is that pedestrian walkways go under bridges and underlap parks close to the college areas in Malmö. I don’t know if you are aware but if you go under a road, without internet connection to provide your precise location, your phone’s GPS flips out and essentially goes into a loop like, “I got you this far! Help yourself!!”. 70°F weather in a light hoodie when your lost feels like 90° F in a winter coat.

The worst part wasn’t even that I was lost though. It’s that I was super sweaty!

I’m a vain person; sue me. I could NOT walk around a country lost AND looking sweaty. That’s just not my way, but there I was looking like Clark Griswold just trying to get to Walley World. What was supposed to be a 13 minute walk with only 3 turns, turned into a 37-minute adventure just trying to find this AirBnb. The plan was to get to the AirBnb early so I could gussy-up, get this sweat off my face, drink a glass water, situate my luggage, and chill -but that didn’t happen. Less than 10-minutes after I FINALLY get to the apartment and use the restroom, I get a text saying “I think I’m at the gate?” GIRL!…WHAT?! I’m still oozing with sweat - I’m talking damp, and this is my first impression of meeting this person whom I’ve been getting to know for the last few months.

I hated it all. I wanted to run away, but the only exit was the gate (where she was), so I had to just wipe my brow and deal with it. I greet her at the gate. I’m super hesitate to give her a hug because I’m more soaked than ever - which is funny because we joke how disgusting the first time we met was (so I was RIGHT to be self-conscious). I probably looked like Tyrone Biggums because I had all sorts of crackhead energy like, “So how was your flight?!”, “Did you find the place okay - I got lost and was hunting for the last half hour?”, “Boy…this place doesn’t have anything but this tiny icebox air conditioner. Is it hot here, or just me? I wish I could say that was me being smooth, but honestly I feel DISGUSTING with how sweaty I am I wasn’t planning on Sweden to be this hot so I wore this hoodie without thinking that y’all actually have summer here too. Duh! Of course you have summer…Midsommar!” I kid you not that all was said in one sentence.

Crackhead energy is NOT appropriate in Scandinavia!!

Not just in Sweden, but all Scandinavia. You can’t just come in hot with people or else they will not respond well, but in a polite way. Similar to Patrick Bateman’s “I have to return some video tapes” line in American Psycho, you’ll get a very similar response like “I must use the toalett”, “I have to get started on dinner.”, “Are you ok?”, and many more that it doesn’t matter what time it is - they can be used.

After freaking her out a bit by my zeal to show her the place and the air conditioner, we were able to settle down and chat. As hours passed, we realized that both of us hadn’t eaten in hours so we went to a place more universal than the United Nations - a pizza place.

Pizza is NOT Sweden’s best food…

Don’t get me wrong, it was good, but it wasn’t ALLLL THAAAAT. The ordering experience was fun though. Have you ever watched when a kid tries to be an adult and order for themselves, and their parent has to eventually step in and do it the right way for them? That’s what ordering this people felt like. I thought I was killing it! Like, “No I can’t eat that, it has kött (meat) on it” but when the man asked me “Vad ska du ha? (What will you have?)” I completely dropped the bag, and had to give him that look like “Ehhhh…Google translate?” Unlike MOST of the people in Sweden, this man did NOT speak English, but luckily I came with my own personal translator. She ordered one meats pizza and one with vegetarian kebab for me so I could try it. The crazy part was that no banana HAD to be said or else I was about to get banana all over my pizza. Excuse me what? Yes. When she said “Inga banan (no banana)” I knew she was going to be cool people and I wasn’t going to end up being trafficked that day.

Going to get pizza was just the first of many adventures that we went on during this trip. Check back in next week; probably one of my favorite and most memorable stories of the whole trip…✌🏿

Story Time with Bradley: Sweden Part 1

Of ALL the places in the World Why Sweden?!

The answer is very simple: a girl.

When I decided to go Sweden, I hadn’t left my house in months due to the pandemic, and was kind of going stir-crazy. I’d been spending HOURS on Clubhouse getting to know people from all over the world, and somehow I found myself in a community full of a lot of people from Sweden. Some of you might not know this, but I LOVE language. Getting to understand the rules of grammar, the origins, and especially learning phrases that I can’t learn in an academic course.

So fast forward - after spending months on this app, I got to know a Swedish, influencer woman that was quite popular on TikTok and Instagram pretty well. Nothing romantic, initially, just chatting here and there. It was kind of nuts in retrospect. I used to have so much time, that I could stay up until 3/4AM hosting this comedy dating “show” where people would drop in, and practice their pitch for getting a sugar daddy/ mommy*; she would come in for a laugh every now and then. After a very weird summer, Europe FINALLY lifts their travel ban and I am invited to come to Sweden.

I went to Sweden wanting two things: 1. Surströmming and 2. Have a proper fika.

So unlike most people that go to Sweden for the first time, I went to Malmö, and I’m SO happy that I did. Neither the Swedish woman nor I had ever been to Malmö, so this was going to be something new for everyone.

Getting to Sweden

I was in a “Yes” mood to everything leading to this trip. So when my buddy dropped me off to the airport he’d asked me, “Do you want an edible for the flight?” (pause - this was at a time where cannabis and I did NOT agree with each other. ESPECIALLY edibles*) I said “Sure, but probably just a half. I ain’t trying to die on this plane. hahaha” Well little did I know…I’d sealed my fate with that response. I made it through TSA (no problem), I got to the gate (piece of cake), and I even got to my chair on the plane with no troubles, but I did the worst thing for myself and went to sleep immediately upon arrival.

Just say no 😵😭

If you’ve never woken up high before; it’s a rude awakening.

I felt personally attacked by that edible, and to make it worse - I wasn’t digesting anything until I touched the ground (if ya know what I mean), so that edible was just hitting.

Eight hours. That’s how long the first flight to Amsterdam was. Eight hours of trying to chug ginger ales, trying to use the toilet, and just trying not to die. It was great. I could barely even enjoy my favorite part of flying which is watching all the movies I can’t find on my smorgasbord of streaming services. So after a movie and a half of flying - my body just had to get rid of it the only way it could. There are a handful of people that when they know they’re going to vomit, they try and make the world a better place for everyone involved - I’m one of those people. I went to the airplane bathroom (which makes me want to vomit now just thinking about it), secured the toilet bib down, and braced myself for impact which lead to swift relief.

After that it was smooth sailing though…

Amsterdam was no problem, now that the edible was dealt with. Schipol is kind of a shithole airport, but otherwise it was cool. Even though it was the Netherlands, I felt like everywhere I went it was just the American corner. Even on my flight to Copenhagen (because that’s the closest airport to Malmö. Sweden), I had an American man seated next to me. I didn’t talk to him, but I learned some tips & tricks in order to uncover who the Americans in Europe are.

I might have done something illegal though…

When I arrived in Copenhagen (now mind you, I’d JUST started learning Swedish about 2 months prior and Danish is WAY harder), I was a bit lost. I was told by a customer service representative, “Look for the train to Malmö”, so that’s what I did. When I got to the train station there were kiosks to purchase tickets and when I TRIED to buy a ticket, it didn’t take so what was I supposed to do? I hopped on the train anyway, even took a seat in first class (which has VERY comfy seats AND Wi-Fi), and nobody even asked me for a ticket or anything so I just assumed it was free - well I thought it was at least. It wasn’t. The ECONOMY train tickets are 240kr (≈$24 USD). Whoops! 😅

But lo and behold, I arrived in Malmö: the 18th most dangerous city in Europe, to meet a stranger from the internet, after just coming down from an edible…

Anyway - that’s all for the first part of the this story time. Check back in next week for another story time with Bradley! ✌🏿

* = there is a story to this