Story Time with Bradley: Sweden Part 2
The Road So Far…
So I made it into Malmö? Cool. I have the address of my AirBnb? Awesome! Do I have an internet connection to use my phone’s GPS? Nope. Was I confident enough with my Swedish to feel comfortable talking to strangers? I helvete heller (Oh, hell no)!
This was my first time in a foreign country that English wasn’t their primary language. Not only that, barely anyone back home knew that I was going. I’m telling you right now; don’t be like me! I set myself up for the perfect Taken situation and my dad is NOT Liam Neeson, so I would have been left to fend for myself.
So I’m just kicking back at the subway station, using their free Wi-Fi to at least get a rough estimate of where I’m supposed to go with my GPS. When I say that GPS was just as confused as I was, that doesn’t even start to describe how bad it was.
What I and my GPS, that I named Siro at the time because I had the male voice enabled, later found out is that pedestrian walkways go under bridges and underlap parks close to the college areas in Malmö. I don’t know if you are aware but if you go under a road, without internet connection to provide your precise location, your phone’s GPS flips out and essentially goes into a loop like, “I got you this far! Help yourself!!”. 70°F weather in a light hoodie when your lost feels like 90° F in a winter coat.
The worst part wasn’t even that I was lost though. It’s that I was super sweaty!
I’m a vain person; sue me. I could NOT walk around a country lost AND looking sweaty. That’s just not my way, but there I was looking like Clark Griswold just trying to get to Walley World. What was supposed to be a 13 minute walk with only 3 turns, turned into a 37-minute adventure just trying to find this AirBnb. The plan was to get to the AirBnb early so I could gussy-up, get this sweat off my face, drink a glass water, situate my luggage, and chill -but that didn’t happen. Less than 10-minutes after I FINALLY get to the apartment and use the restroom, I get a text saying “I think I’m at the gate?” GIRL!…WHAT?! I’m still oozing with sweat - I’m talking damp, and this is my first impression of meeting this person whom I’ve been getting to know for the last few months.
I hated it all. I wanted to run away, but the only exit was the gate (where she was), so I had to just wipe my brow and deal with it. I greet her at the gate. I’m super hesitate to give her a hug because I’m more soaked than ever - which is funny because we joke how disgusting the first time we met was (so I was RIGHT to be self-conscious). I probably looked like Tyrone Biggums because I had all sorts of crackhead energy like, “So how was your flight?!”, “Did you find the place okay - I got lost and was hunting for the last half hour?”, “Boy…this place doesn’t have anything but this tiny icebox air conditioner. Is it hot here, or just me? I wish I could say that was me being smooth, but honestly I feel DISGUSTING with how sweaty I am I wasn’t planning on Sweden to be this hot so I wore this hoodie without thinking that y’all actually have summer here too. Duh! Of course you have summer…Midsommar!” I kid you not that all was said in one sentence.
Crackhead energy is NOT appropriate in Scandinavia!!
Not just in Sweden, but all Scandinavia. You can’t just come in hot with people or else they will not respond well, but in a polite way. Similar to Patrick Bateman’s “I have to return some video tapes” line in American Psycho, you’ll get a very similar response like “I must use the toalett”, “I have to get started on dinner.”, “Are you ok?”, and many more that it doesn’t matter what time it is - they can be used.
After freaking her out a bit by my zeal to show her the place and the air conditioner, we were able to settle down and chat. As hours passed, we realized that both of us hadn’t eaten in hours so we went to a place more universal than the United Nations - a pizza place.
Pizza is NOT Sweden’s best food…
Don’t get me wrong, it was good, but it wasn’t ALLLL THAAAAT. The ordering experience was fun though. Have you ever watched when a kid tries to be an adult and order for themselves, and their parent has to eventually step in and do it the right way for them? That’s what ordering this people felt like. I thought I was killing it! Like, “No I can’t eat that, it has kött (meat) on it” but when the man asked me “Vad ska du ha? (What will you have?)” I completely dropped the bag, and had to give him that look like “Ehhhh…Google translate?” Unlike MOST of the people in Sweden, this man did NOT speak English, but luckily I came with my own personal translator. She ordered one meats pizza and one with vegetarian kebab for me so I could try it. The crazy part was that no banana HAD to be said or else I was about to get banana all over my pizza. Excuse me what? Yes. When she said “Inga banan (no banana)” I knew she was going to be cool people and I wasn’t going to end up being trafficked that day.
Going to get pizza was just the first of many adventures that we went on during this trip. Check back in next week; probably one of my favorite and most memorable stories of the whole trip…✌🏿